oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
