I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
