the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
