After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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