Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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