I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
