So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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