i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
