My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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