Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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