he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
