My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
