I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
