I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
