You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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