True but thats because hes a fetus.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
