What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
