Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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