The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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