Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
