i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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