A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
