Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
