birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
