I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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