Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
