fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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