Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
