I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
