Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
