I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
