im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
