Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
