I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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