Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So much rum. So many feels.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
