just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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