This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You dont lie about slip and slides
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
