We won't sleep together?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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