from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
