hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My cat gives me a boner
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
