it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
