with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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