would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
