guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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