I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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