I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
