totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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