I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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