Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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