doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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