i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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