u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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