ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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