In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
