Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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