True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
