What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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